my phone needs a breathalizer
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Small penises have feelings too.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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