Tell her she can't have a vagina
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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