My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i drank out of a bidet.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
