I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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