when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
