I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
