Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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