i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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