True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
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