Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
