I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
