Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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