Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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