I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
