i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
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Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize