Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
