i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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