What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
