I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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