if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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