You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
