Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
