Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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