party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
