I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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