Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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