she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
