I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
