If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
