So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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