Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
