Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
