So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
