accomplished twins. life is a go
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
