can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
