Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
