I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.