i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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