now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
