i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
