Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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