nut hugger
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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