I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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