y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
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I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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