I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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