I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
