Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
