Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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