I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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