There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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