i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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