Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
