worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
