Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
