So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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