i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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