Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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