if i can run in heels then i can drive
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
