Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
