The maid of honor just puked.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
