Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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