she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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