I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize